His Eye is on the Sparrow

Why should I be discouraged
why should the shadows come
why should my heart be lonely
and long for heav'n and home,
when Jesus is my portion?
My constant friend is He;
His eye is on the sparrow
and I know He watches me.

It is hard to write about the painful things in life. But we know they will come. In John 16:33, it says,

"I have said these things to you,
that in Me you may have peace.
In the world
you will have tribulation.
But take heart,
I have overcome the world."

He tells us, as Christ-followers, to expect difficult times. Now I can understand some of the hard things that might come our way, being mocked at work because of taking a stance with Christ, losing friends or family members because of accepting Jesus as Lord of our life, being persecuted, tortured or even losing our lives for the sake of the Truth.

But what about the times when the source of difficulty is completely unexpected? When we are fired without just cause? when we lose a dear friend? when our integrity is questioned? How do we handle it when the rug is pulled out from under us?

"Let not your heart be troubled"
His tender voice I hear,
and resting in His goodness,
I lose my doubt and fear;
tho' by the path He leadeth
but one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.

I was walking through my living room this morning, opening curtains and feeling saddened by the sinfulness of this world, the hate, the selfishness, the anger that drives people apart, and I decided to try sitting at the piano. I haven't done this much since my back surgery, as it has been a bit uncomfortable. But I'm so glad that I tried it this morning. I do believe that it was God that prompted me to sit down, and open my old hymnal, because He had something He wanted to remind me of.

Whenever I am tempted
whenever clouds arise,
when songs give place to sighing,
when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him,
from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know He cares for me.

When the rug is pulled out from under us, and we find ourselves lying on our backs, in pain and vulnerable, we should find ourselves looking up...into the the wonderful face of Jesus. He will never leave us or forsake us, His eye is constantly upon us, even more than the tiny sparrow that flies about. (Hebrews 13:5, Psalm 32:8, Luke 12:6-7)

He has promised a multitude of things to us, and when we start remembering them, we can be comforted. To have the Lord of All, the One who is Truth and Peace and Love, to be on our side, loving and caring for us, our heart can be at rest. If He is for us, who can be against us?

Lord, comfort us with your Truth, Your Peace, Your love.

While I love this song, I wish the word were changed from "I sing because I'm happy" to "I sing because I'm joyful"...sometimes I don't feel "happiness", but I am full of joy-because of the very things the song speaks of!

The Hard Things...Beautiful?

I am a missionary kid.

My parents are missionaries. They have served in Bolivia, South America and now, they are here in the states, teaching and training others who are going into cross cultural ministry. They are passionate about increasing the Kingdom of God-especially in parts of the globe where, unless someone goes with the Good News, those living there will never be able to hear it, accept it and have the joy of knowing Jesus.

I was 9 years old when our family arrived in Bolivia, and a few months later, my adventure at Tambo began. (Tambo was the New Tribes boarding school in Bolivia)

Recently, it was announced that Tambo was being investigated for abuse. There are many different kinds of abuse that have occurred over the years in different boarding schools and organizations-it sounds like these are the things being looked into at our school.

My heart is heavy. My mind is confused. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that people that I looked up to and respected as authority figures were capable of such horrible choices. That said, I thank God for the many adults who lived out God's truth, His love, and ministered to us children from the heart.

But sadly, my mind and heart are haunted more by the adults who made the wrong choices. To look back now, and understand that some of those lives were just lies being lived out-it makes my mind whirl and my heart ache. To know that pride drove the way that decisions were made rather than following God's heart-tears are balling up in my throat. It has shed light on a belief system that was developed in my childhood...adults are always right. Authority is always right.

(I am laughing right now, because I know better. For Pete's sake, even my children know better! They know that this woman is an imperfect woman who doesn't always have the right answer, or make the right choice. They graciously forgive me time after time.)

But although I know better in my head, my heart still whispers that line of thinking to me. In the times when I feel threatened and nervous, I have to shake my head and say "nope. The only One I listen to is the One that counts." And my husband, of course! But usually, they are telling me the same thing!

There were a lot of things I loved about Tambo. In fact, up until recently, I would have said I loved everything about growing up there. But then I started to realize that maybe some of the things that I thought were "normal"-maybe they weren't so much. And then, I learn that there are people who have been abused, and people who are struggling, after so many years, to heal from their experience at Tambo.

I realized about a month ago that I have very few memories of my first two years there. I remember that I was assigned to the "Genny Dorm", but I actually don't have any memories of actually being in that dorm. Once in a while, I have a vague recollection of something, but the harder I try to remember the faster it fades away. Honestly, it scares me-I'm wondering if I am blocking memories...I don't know. I don't know if I want to know.

I have a couple of sad memories of things that I wish hadn't happened to me. But I also, and probably more so, remember the things that I did that were hurtful. I know that I foolishly embarrassed a classmate when I was in (maybe 6th grade?) . I feel HORRID about that now. I don't even remember if I got a spanking for that-though let me tell you, I should have! But I have a memory with that same classmate...one night she said she accepted Christ as her Saviour, and I remember we were swinging on the swings singing with our whole hearts..."There's a new name written down in glory, and it's mine, oh yes, it's mine...!" (a little ironic that I was rejoicing with her and yet it wasn't until I was 12 years old that I actually made the decision to accept Him as Lord of my Life!)

But to be honest, I don't want to remember that there were good times. Because I don't know which of those times were truly good. How many times was there laughter on the outside, but crying on the inside? What if a memory that I think is great is actually a memory that brings sharp pain to a friend's soul?

I'm sure in time the pendulum will swing back slowly and there will be balance, but all I really think about now is the pain that classmates and friends have suffered. The pain that they were suffering while we were living life together. What if someone tried to say something, or reach out, or ask for help, and I did not notice. Or worse, I did not respond?

It is a tangled web of emotions and thoughts that have invaded my life in the past few months. I am thankful for my husband, who is willing to just sit and listen. Or, when I need it, to pray with me. I am thankful that I have a family that loves each other. My parents and siblings have been able to be honest, open and supportive as we talk about what Tambo meant to each of us.

These are horrible, painful things that people have to deal with. My favorite verse and song while I was a at Tambo was "He makes all things beautiful in His time." It seems hard to imagine in light of all the pain that is still being suffered. I don't take this promise lightly, and I imagine that when in a place of pain, it might even seem impossible. But I want to believe it, I choose to believe it.

That not only can He, but He will...in time, make all things, even the really hard things, beautiful.

LORD,

please help me to wholeheartedly believe this
because honestly, at times,
it just seems so hard to imagine
that anything that painful
could become anything near beautiful.

Blessed with Time

Even though "taking it easy" while I recuperate from surgery has not been the easiest thing to do, I am struck this afternoon with the thought that I have been blessed with all this time to focus on just a few things, rather than the so many different things that are usually bouncing around in my mind.

~I have been able to dream (and start planning) my sister's wedding reception
~I have finally finished working on our 2012 budget
~I am looking forward to working on a presentation of my parent's ministries over the years
~most of all, I get to pray. A lot.

I love talking with the Lord, and I think I would probably describe my prayer life as an ongoing conversation between us. There's not always a clear starting or stopping point. Sometimes, He or I get interrupted with math questions, or sibling rivalry, but He understands. We just pick up where we left off when the quiet returns.
These days, I get to talk to Him a lot about other people and the struggles and joys they are facing. Something that I didn't expect was how much my heart would be reminded of what a person means to me. Some, I haven't even seen for years, some I don't know that well, but as I pray, God carves out a little place in my heart for them. I am glad, because when my body is healed and I am back to many things bouncing around in my brain and I don't have the time to sit on Facebook all day long (grin), each person will still have a little place in my heart that will remind me to pray for them.
So, here I sit, excited and wanting to make the most of the coming days. Thank You, Lord, for all these precious people that You have put into my life. Let me not take lightly the privilege You are giving me, for this season, to intercede on their behalf! Thank you for blessing me with this time!

Healing

My family is at church and I am here in my "new" recliner in the family room, with an aromatherapy pack over my shoulders and listening to the crackling of the fire.

I am thinking about these past couple of weeks, what the Lord has allowed and the different types of pain and healing that are going on inside of me.

The physical pain from having back surgery 12 days ago is still there. But I am taking all the measures that I can to keep it under control. As my mom told me, "be good". Follow the doctor's orders. Be still. Don't lift. Make sure to ice it every hour. Don't bend. Don't reach. Don't sit upright for too long.

I'm doing it. By God's grace, I'm doing it-even when I think "well, just this once won't hurt". Because I know that if I do these things, the pain will eventually go away. My back will heal properly, and in time I will again be able to bend, lift, run, jump, twist, etc, etc.

Last night, I had such a difficult time falling asleep. I was in pain. My back wasn't the culprit-it was my heart. My heart literally hurt. Though the cause of the pain is relational and emotional in nature, the pain was still great enough to be felt physically. And the thing about this pain is that I don't know what to do to make it go away. I want a list that I can follow. An if-you-do-this-then-this-will-happen type of list. I want to know what to do to promote healing-to go back to the way things were before. I've done everything I know to do.

The only thing that I can do now is pray. And wait. And then pray some more. And trust.

I have heard that when a bone breaks, once it has healed the bond is stronger than it was before. Do you think the same happens in an emotional or relational bond? That once the fracture heals, the bond is stronger than ever? I pray so.

It does all boil down to one thing, though. While weak bodies, breaks, surgeries, etc are the domain of Satan and this cursed earth, strength and healing are the domain of God. Jehovah-Rappha, my God who heals.

There truly is comfort in knowing and trusting that He is a God who loves healing. If He is for me, who can be against me?

{If I could stand up right now and shout wahoo!, I would...this truly is encouraging to me! But as it is, I'm unable to get out of this recliner without the help of my dear hubby..so my heart is just bubbling out "wahoos!" and I'm standing up on the inside!}

the past month....

Well, I didn't get to post like I wanted, but not because of busyness. I just felt awful! And I mean awful!
The side effects of the meds that my doctor put me on were intense nausea and GI issues. It was miserable there for a while. I finally called my doctor and asked for some kind of anti-emetic to get me over the initial effects. With that, there was a bit of relief.
My parents, two of my sisters, my brother and his family and a family friend were here for the holidays, and it was SO nice to be together. We spent most of our time sitting by the fireplace visiting. Dad and Chris went golfing a few times (on the Wii in the basement!).
I have mentioned in the past about the chronic low back pain that I've dealt with for years. For over a decade, we have tried every conservative approach that we (and chiropractors, doctors, physical therapists and massage therapists) could think of.
On the 28th of December, I had an MRI scan. The results showed that the disc between the L5 and S1 vertebrae is severely degenerated-almost completely gone.
We knew, after praying about it and talking to the doctor, that the time for surgery had come. For avoiding it and dreading it for so many years, I think it is amazing the peace that I have with it all.
So, tomorrow morning at 6:00am, we arrive at the hospital and two hours later I will be having a titanium steel implant put between those two vertebrae-and over time, Lord willing, the bones will fuse together.
The only thing that I have worried about is the financial aspect. Over the past few months, we have racked up medical bills and I know that several more will start coming in. Honestly, I almost canceled the surgery because of it.
But my dear (wise) husband reminded me that this surgery is God's plan and His answer to the years of searching. So, instead of calling off the surgery, we are making other drastic changes.
Unless God dramatically shuts the door, we will be moving this summer. For those of you who have been following my blog-you know how I feel about the home we are in. I love it. I really, really love it.
But it's not just the house that I love. It's my neighbors, as well. I have been blessed beyond words by the two sisters in Christ who live right across the street from me. Dawn and Alaina are women who love the Lord with all their hearts...and I admire them!
Yet, even as I wrestle with the emotion of it, I know that paying our medical bills and paying off our debt is what we need to focus on. And so, I am willing to move into a place that is smaller in order to accomplish this.
I have contacted the realtor for a house that has been up for sale for over a year, asking if the owner is interested in renting to us. I like the house-it is one that we looked at when we first found out we were moving to the Fox Valley. God knows what our future is, but until He shows me differently, I am praying that something works out with that particular house.
In the meantime, my life consists of doing school with my kids, recuperating from back surgery, watching my cousin's little guy 2x a week, and slowly going through stuff (again) in order to prepare for another move.
In all this, I have been reminded so many times to choose FAITH. To put my faith in who God is, what He says, and what He does.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."
Hebrews 11:1


"Without faith, it is impossible to please God."
Hebrews 11:6

"Oh Lord, increase our faith!"
Luke 17:5

Well, I need to get back to helping my kids with schoolwork. Will is in Earth Science and I am loving the unit he is studying-plate tectonics!

I hope each and every one of you has a beautiful, faith-filled day!

A Weight Lifted

This morning, as I was driving down to Plymouth for my doctor's appointment, my heart was challenged.

Even though He had been giving me peace in the waiting, I hadn't yet come to a place where I could honestly surrender everything-even my health and my life-to Him. I love singing in the quiet (and privacy) of my car. As I was worshipping Him through song, I came to the realization that I couldn't call Him "Lord", if I didn't actually let Him BE my Lord, my Adonai, my Master.

This life is all about Him. It is for Him and for His glory, and truly I can now say that whatever He wills, let it be done unto me.

I am thrilled to tell you that the testing showed no cancer. Relief!

My doctor is treating me for PCOS and endometriosis-type issues simultaneously. We feel they are all related somehow, so we are trying this two-pronged approach to the issues that came up on the testing. They want me to repeat the CT scan in several weeks, and hopefully I will see whether the medications that I am on have been effective.

I'm still in pain, which, I will admit-is not so much fun. But two things help me to deal with it. The first being that at least I know where the pain is coming from-that is huge help. The second is that do have pain medication that I can take when I need to.

So, I begin this three month trial period, praying that God will continue to give my doctor insight and that He will give me wisdom to do what is healthy for my body.

I am still reading the book "The Maker's Diet" and while I don't know if I can implement everything right now, I am prepared to make a couple of changes for starters. I am going to start using coconut oil again, I am going to start drinking kefir, and I have to find someway to eat more meat and less beans and rice. Yes, I know that beans and rice are healthy, but they are still carbs...and this girl needs to cut back. (Help! What am I going to eat if I can't eat beans and rice???) Only a few changes at this point, but it's something.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for praying for me-for carrying this burden with me. I know that I needed each one of you, and I'm so glad that I wasn't alone.

I will try to post before Christmas, but if life gets busy and I don't get a chance....I wish you a love-filled, cozy, heartwarming and merry Christmas!

I pray that Your heart overflows with joy at the amazing truth that He is Emmanuel....God with us. It is (almost) unbelievable that the King of Glory would choose this earth and this life. All because He loved us desperately. So, wrap yourself in that Truth...you can't get any cozier than that!

Peace...sweet peace

To think about the way that prayer works is mind-boggling.

The amount of fear that I was wrestling with before I posted last was more than I needed to be dealing with. I am so thankful that God reminded me that I am not alone...he reminded me that I had friends and family who would gladly carry this weight with me.

He reminded me how much I need others.

I have been showered with peace and patience these past few days. I will admit that there have been a couple of times that I was tempted to think about my appointment on Tuesday morning, but I am able to "shelve" those thoughts, and focus on what is right in front of me.

I just want to say THANK YOU...and let you know that your prayers have directly affected my life. God is listening, and He is answering.

My heart is filled with His very sweet peace.